untitled.

If there is one thing i hate, it would be not having control. I am not a control freak(contrary to what the masses thought), I let the world take it's course. Shit happens. Be it natural disasters, emotional crackdowns, road accidents and all the nasty shite happening around us. My emo-switch has tripped. I feel like crap. I believe i am at a low point. Yes yes, this could be one of my emo swings, But i feel unusually empty now. Something is not right. I do not have control over my emotions.

I need my sleep. I am exhausted. I can't sleep. I stare into blank space, looking for that shining star, my vision blured. I feel lost, like a ship that has lost it's captain. Lost in a raging sea of emotions, without a breeze of direction. What is this, i asked myself? This can't be love.... love does not hurt. But alas, I have given up in love a long time ago. Love is something i dare not seek. I shy away from love, I deny myself of it.... i try to tell myself that.

I am sailing... slowly, to an enchanted destination that does not exist. I am sailing.. slowly, but surely.. To a place which i will sink. Ironic. The only way there is to sink. Turn back? is that an option? the winds that carry me to you is too strong. Either I sink now, or sink later. Does that make a difference? I'll perish.

From past trials, I drown. I will be silent. There will be darkness. I will give in. But I will awake from my dreams and snap back right into reality. the harsh reality of this world. It cold. but hey, cold is a feeling, and so is pain... I know i am alive when i can feel these old friends of mine.

I lay drifting in your dark sea. Where all I see is your light, Like the silvery moon you come and go... but the stars I trust have long faded. My strong stars, my bright stars. Where are you? why have you forsaken me?



logged at low point.


Perhaps one day I'll look back and laugh, and affirm that Love is indeed for fools. Or is it?

Time of the season

Hey everyone. Merry Christmas. yes, Merry Freaking Christmas indeed. I am angry and depressed. So pissed this season. Still trying to figure out why. Perhaps my stock of Valium is finished? .....

Great way to start a blog. Perfect. Field Breaks. Working in the Field can break your body, Field Breaks are just there to break your mind.I am so bored, and it's only been a week! Yesterday I conducted interviews. It's fun! love the feeling of being in control and having making fresh outs answer your questions, and just when they though they've answered it they way I wanted it, I turn the answers against them. Muahhaha. Saddist. 2 words to describe interviews. Power Trips.

Today was My day. Being the pig i am, I got up at 11am, dragged myself to the PC to go online. yes, I logon to MSN before brushing my teeth. Not that the person I am chatting with can smell my breath. Things I did today..

1. Had lunch outside
2. Had a hair wash/cut
3. Bought Car Shampoo
4. Washed my car
5. Installed the lights i bought from Ikea
6. Moved the furniture in my room
7. "power" napped
8. lock myself out of my apartment before going to dinner
9. Boring you with my day.
This entry is starting to read like the book I am currently reading, about an autistic boy and a dog murder. By mark hendon. I think.


Oh for fucks sake. This is not even a blog. If I had a personal dairy, Imagine what kinda shitty boring shit I would say. And yes. My relatives are a bunch of loud hungy bitches. Me included, although I am usually not hungry. Fucking Shitty Genetic screw up. I can't even enjoy a normal meal without thinking about the weigh I'll put on. I just have to walk past KFC to gain 5 fucking pounds. Damnit I am so unhappy. Right now, everyone else around me can die. Maybe just leave a few hot chicks. For the sake or human reproduction. Just that.

Argh. Should i Post this? ah fuck. why not. Anger/depression is after all human.

Feelings... Nothing more than Feelingsss. -the demented

Whoopeedoo.

I am back in KL. Really, i can't complain. I woke up at 10 this morning. It has been a while.. Feels good not waking up the blaring sound of my sony erricson w800i (brand new toy)alarm clock. And of all tones, it's "Someone to love"by Queen. Who the hell read my blogs? I've been thinking. Myself? I amuse my self reading my past entries. It kinda keeps track of where I am and my fragile/volatile emotional states. I am a swinger. 1 minute i can be on cloud 9 and the other, i can be in the dumps. Right now, i am calm, I love these calm feelings obtainable when i wake up late, preferably not to the sound of an alarm clock, or a fire drill.

disclaimer:
Dear Uncle A.W.,
If you're reading my blog, it's for you only. under NO circumstances will you discuss about it during family dinners/gatherings/bitching sessions. If anything were to go around, the blog will self destruct and the writer will deny all responsibility of it.

regards,
owner

Emotional states.... emotional states.. what do you do when something that is wrong feels so good? Do you go with it? or do you back out? NO, I did not have my first homo encounter.(sheesssh) It's something more complicated. Older women. I attract older women, and I am somehow attracted to them. What's the "acceptable" age difference which is tolerated by our sorry ass asian culture? 10 abit too much?

9 more days till christmas. I have absolutely no freaking idea of my whereabouts. Christmas with the family good. But christmas with my older woman will be better. Geographical, ethical, and religious(NO SHE IS NOT MUSLIM) boundaries stands in my way. Perhaps that's for the better. I have mastered the art of switching off feelings. No matter how deep. I have a kill switch. It goes "OFF" at a flick of a switch. Thanks to someone else in my life not too long ago. She's right. I am taking it out on everyone else. Deny deny deny deny. Do not accept. taste, but do not savour. touch. but do not feel.

damn. I feel angry now. So much for the calm feeling a minute ago.

Offshore blogging part 2

Life is unfair. Life sucks. However, I do believe God is fair...

Exactly a month ago, I was offshore cracking my head over a problem which i cannot fix.(cos it's ha hardware problem) Today, I am offshore Singapore on a rig towing to the north of the island. If all goes well, I'll get my ass out by the evening and head back to land. If my comms fail on me. It's 2 weeks to Myanmar. Not at all funny. Alot has happened in the past week. I finished reading Deception Point, umn. bought a new book but i haven't started yet. I grew fond of someone(another case of impossible relationship), vise versa, built 2 radomes, clubbed at the 71st floor of Swiss Hotel, gotten pissed before i even entered, went back home.. It has been eventful..

my trip to Tehran has been posponed till after christmas. That's a miracle.

Speaking of which, I have to share, miracles do happen until this present day. It may not be God holding the sun up while Joshua kicks some ass at the battle field nor Moses parting the Red Sea, but, it's the simple things in life that we come across everday. God is faithful. I am not.

Miracle no 1, the combination lock
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I was on a job in Batam. And for those who does not have Google Earth, Batam is an island as big as singapore, well in fact, it's just at the south of Singapore. And it belongs to Indonesia. Need I say more? I stepped into a Ralph Lauren shop to purchase a polo t. Thanks to my fat fingers, I messed up the combination to my lock. That's bad news. For those who has been to Indonesia, having to check in an unlocked bag is definately bad news. I was frantic! i went around looking for a lock but i could not find one. AND, my ferry ride was only 1 hour away. I prayed and ask God to help. I remembered the Lord. And when i was walking back to the ferry terminal, i fiddled my lock, just randomly turning the knobs. And suddenly, the lock opened. 3 numbers. Possibility is 1000. I got it open. I sincerely believe this is a miracle.


Miracle no 2, the pick pocket
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3 days after Batam, I decided to fly back home. Personal trip. so no flashy transfers to the hotel, no Singapore airlines, no MAS, just AIR ASIA. I was dropped at the LRT at 8am. Rush hour, people. Crapmed like a school of sardins, I leaned back and let my guard down. I DID NOT CONSTANTLY fiddled with my arse to check if my wallet is intact. (BIG MISTAKE) As i left the train, I checked my arsed. Darn. No wallet!! First thing was. Oh God. Please, NO!! A surge of adrenalin and courage flooded my system. I backed into the train, to where i was standing and i yelled.."My wallet is missing" everyone gave me way and started searching.. I don't know why, but I immediately suspected the Indonesian looking guy next to me in the train. I asked him. "Did u see my wallet" and he answered "WHY ME?" and he pointed to te ground, 1 meter from where I was standing. Low and behold. My wallet. I think this is a miracle. I thanked and praised the Lord for showing me my wallet. All is intact, all is there.



Miracles do happen. Even until today. And it happens to anyone who believes, No matter how much you think you've shyed away from God. Praise Jesus. I am know i am not worthy to prise him, I am a sinner(and not proud of it). Again. Praise the Lord. Amen.